Me, Myself and I

Okay, first time blogger here. For the longest time, I have been thinking of creating a blogsite of my own where I can freely express the thoughts that are swimming constantly and ever actively in my relentlessly-thinking mind.

What I have written in my introduction is not a lie. As of this moment, I am walking a long dark road to uncertainty. I don't know how I got here, but perhaps the broken road started back in college where I consider myself as a rebel, a revolutionist of some sort, a girl who would go after what she wants even if it means giving up the things she grew up believing in. I was indeed the master of my ship, the captain of my soul.I drank a lot, and I drank more. I smoked. I hang out until the wee hours of the day. I have almost chosen the path leading to a life of temporary ecstasy simply because I thought I was soooo in-love that I was willing to give up everything just for this person. I was so willing to cross the boundary between the good life and the ecstatic, YOLO-type of life. Luckily, and probably with a little intervention from above, I didn't cross that line. I remained where I was, though I know I badly wanted to be on the other side. I didn't understand how I ended up standing very still. I was kind of confused. And the confusion actually lasted for five years.

This was the time I really acknowledged the Lord's presence in my life. For other friends who have known me for a long time, I can see the reaction on their faces when they read this blog. They will think, "What a hypocrite!" HAHAHA. I understand friends. 5 years ago, I was not brave enough to profess my faith. I started serving in the community of Couples for Christ as a Youth for Christ. 5 years earlier (so that's ten years ago), I completed the summer youth camp held in my hometown. I was really happy at that time! But then, I was only a YFC when I attend prayer meetings, general assemblies and regional conferences. Outside these activities, I was a typical teenager, a rebel. Smoking, drinking, partying, lying to parents. Name it. Don't worry, I didn't reach the point where I tried drugs. I may be dauntless when I was younger but never did I think of trying that. Promise.

Then, the time came when I need to move one level higher in my service. I attended SFC's Christian Life Program (CLP) in our hometown. I did so not because I yearned to get to know Him more, but because I was forced by my elders in the community that I have to get out of the YFC system and learn to embrace a higher calling. I didn't feel it was higher calling for me. I attended all 12 sessions, finished with a perfect attendance, received a music book and a bible as a reward for completing all 12 sessions and ... life went on.

Now, I'm on my 4th year in serving the community of SFC. 4 years, friends. Did I experience renewal? Did this journey change me? Did it affect the way I think, did it remold my principles in life? Did I really experienced change? Well, the first three years were not so good. I was still hurt, I was still bitter, I couldn't forgive those people who have deeply hurt me. I was serving because I know I was good with what I do --- music. No, not good. I was excellent. I was the best you can get in our province. I know that they are going to tap me to lead because I am a leader material. The first three years in service, I was serving not because I want Him to be known... it's because I want ME to be known. I was selfish, arrogant, hypocrite. I was still living the same life I had ever since college. No, the community didn't seem to change me... until November of last year where I realize I was tired of leading the same life. The same sinful life.

Nothing drastic happened. No one died, no one got killed, no one got sick. It was just a realization one sunny morning while my friends and I were preparing to leave the resort where we stayed overnight for an outing. A realization that I don't want to live a double-life anymore. I wanted to be free from this bondage. I wanted to be a real Christian. And so the grueling process of quitting smoking started. It was difficult at first, but I am proud to say after 7 months, I am totally smoke free! I don't drink heavily now, only occasionally and only one bottle of beer or one shot of hard liquor. I got tired of going home very drunk and stinky. I let go of a life that I was once trapped in... and I let myself be found by God's grace and loving embrace. 

This year, my 4th year in the community, I experienced change and renewal. My heart experienced true joy through serving Him in various activities. I felt more spiritually connected with the people in the community who are serving with me. I have stood witness to His love and majesty and I know miracles do happen. I strengthen my prayer time and I call upon Him every time I have a chance. For the longest time I thought I was searching for Him and found Him... but then I realized, it was me whom He has searched and finally found.

Now, you might be thinking why I am in a dark place now. Well, it's more of an exaggeration really. HAHA. I'm actually in the process of discerning to become a Mission Volunteer for Singles for Christ. I've been thinking about this for the longest time and yet, I still can't figure out His answer to my questions. I told my parents about it and I thought they are going to support me, but then my dad just told me yesterday that he doesn't agree with the plan. It left me heartbroken. I thought they understood but then again, they didn't. And now, those ugly ghosts of pasts are starting to resurface in my mind again. I'm beginning to doubt myself. I'm starting to question my worthiness. Perhaps I'm not cut for this life? Perhaps I'm just forcing myself to do this. Perhaps I should just focus on my life rather than spending all my time and energy serving this community... Perhaps.. perhaps...

So if you are reading this, maybe you can shed some light to me. Maybe you can pray for me, that I may be able to hear what He is saying... that I may be able to understand His ways... that I may be able to accept His will for me. If you are also taking this long and winding road, pray with me... that we can be like the sturdy fire tree... even though the fire tree is standing alone, it is standing proud and strong.