THAT SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

I just remembered a scene from the movie Son of God where a weeping Mary ran on the side of her son moments after he stumbled down again with His cross. I saw and felt the pain through her eyes and wondered what it felt like seeing your child suffer and persecuted without doing anything wrong. Did she feel the need to stop all of that, to finally protect her son from all the pain caused by the very people whom He helped? Did she feel that mother's instinct to fight for her son, to keep him away from pain and suffering and offer her life instead? 

A scene from the movie Son of God

Perhaps she felt a hundred more emotions at that time. But then, all she did was to silently stare at her son without a word, and allowed the Roman soldiers to forcibly pull her up and push her aside. Above anyone else in that scene, only Mary showed the act of surrender... She was the only one who trusted God as she struggled to see her son slowly dying while carrying his cross. It was her who decided to still follow the path of Jesus to calvary. It was her who stood witness to Christ's suffering and passion for the people, and still obeyed God even though the situation was ripping her heart into pieces. 

And that, my dear friends, is a strong act of faith. Mary has showed how to be a true servant of the Lord despite all the trials, the darkness of the night, the meanness and rudeness of the world. All throughout her journey, her faith remained unshaken and was instead fortified by her love for God. :) 

A scene from the movie Son of God

Our Holy Mother had exemplified the true meaning of moving mountains with faith... Of trusting the Lord's plan and sticking with it...of serving the Lord with all humility and purity of heart. It may be hard for us to follow Mother Mary's example, but we can use it as our inspiration in becoming true servants of the Lord... Only fixing our eyes on Him and doing things not to the delight of our fellowmen but to further bring Him praise and glory. :)

LAST SUMMER, I GAVE YOU MY HEART :')

This year’s summer season may have been the busiest, most exhausting and most challenging summer I’ve ever experienced. For the past summers, I always make sure that I will have at least one beach get-away with my friends, but it never happened this year. Instead, I had been continuously tapped by the Lord to do His work. And to start it off, our chapter had assigned me to be the chapter servant for this year’s Christian Life Program for Singles for Christ.

I’ve been serving in CLPs since I became a member of this community 4 years ago but I’ve never felt nor experienced something like this. It was a brand new experience for me, another first! Why? It was my first time to serve as a chapter servant in a CLP, my first time not to handle any major role in an SFC activity, my very first time to give a CLP talk in our chapter (that was my most unforgettable talk yet :-) ), my first time to push my creativity to its limit, my first time to fully understand the mission and vision of our community, and also my first time to also grasp and embrace the true goal of the Christian Life Program: evangelize and renew people in Christ. A lot of firsts on my 4^th year as an SFC! Talk about blessings in abundance! :-)

But hey, it was not an easy feat. I've come to realize that even though you have a strong spirit in service, you still need to give your body ample time to rest. Your will to serve won’t have any bearing if your gas tank is near empty. An empowered heart burning with ardor in serving the Lord should be matched with a body sufficiently rested.

At those times, I felt that my tank was almost empty. Yes, I felt so much joy in serving Him during these times, but I also felt my physical strength slowly escaping me. Along with the task I needed to fulfill during our CLP, I was also struggling in my discernment about training as an MV. Then you also need to think about your family, your job, your messed-up body clock, how not to be late for work, the concerns of your household members and your chapter. Lots of problems were arising at that time and I felt the need to address them all but then I know I couldn't solve everything alone. I thought I could, but then one friend reminded me: “You are not a super hero.”

It is true that when we feel the Holy Spirit in our lives, when we learn to embrace it and allow it to take charge, our life will change. A full 360-degree turn around. Our spirit will be empowered. But then again, we are not super heroes! Even God took the seventh day as His rest day! I’ve realized that in order to sustain your passion, you must always make sure that your tank is always full. I’ve learned that the hard way.

I remembered feeling so tired and exhausted as we move into the third module of the CLP. At that time I asked the Lord to just give me a little time to finally rest my weary body. But since the CLP was still on-going, I couldn't really take getting a break while my other brothers and sisters continue to serve. And so again I asked the Lord to just let His will be done… just one weekend of rest… and I will be alright.

And so I waited. I prayed and I waited. True enough, a week after our Lord’s Day, He granted me an opportunity to go to Puerto Galera and experience the pilot of Crossroads weekend retreat. Very timely for my discernment! Not only that, I was also rewarded to savor the beautiful view of a perfectly calm lake accessorized with yachts and small boats --- a view that can be relished straight from our retreat house. The silent prayer hour that was also given to us was a big help for me to listen to His voice, and His message to me was perfectly clear: “I love you and I have great plans for you. Just allow me to embrace your weary heart and let me fight for you. Patience, my child, everything in my own perfect time.” Oh, if only my heart could leap from the inside out! :D

View from the retreat house of Immaculate Conception Parish, 
Puerto Galera, Oriental Mindoro

Friends, there are times when our burdens are too heavy to carry. There are times that problems are like drops of rain, they come in small and big drops, they pour continuously. There are times when it’s so hard to trust in His plan for us because the pain is just too much for us. There are more times when we question and doubt if He is really listening to our cries because it feels like He is slow to respond. For me, it’s alright to feel these things. It makes us human. But this is also the very reason why we need to keep on clinging to whatever bough of hope we can hold on. These are the moments when we need to remember how He remained faithful to us. These are the times when we need to be more faithful to Him. Everything in this life is always a test of faith… a test of our character as Christians… a test of our limitations as humans. Our heart and our strength may fail repeatedly. But just when we thought we have reached our limit, His abundant grace and love will start to fill you again. Until you become whole again. Until you become brand new. Faith is trusting and believing in His plan no matter how dark and uncertain the road is ahead of you. Always remember, His love sustains. Forever. :-)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT...

Day 2.

The storm has finally calmed. The waves have finally settled. I can finally see something blue in the horizon, and the clouds are finally breaking away into smaller, feathery-like set pieces in the sky. I don't know how long this peace of mind will last, but I want to loose myself in it, feel it, revel on it until it lasts.

Just a few days ago, I was in a very chaotic state of mind. I know some of you may have been thinking it was just a small thing, not really important. All I need to do is choose. In an ideal world, I would've chosen what I want over what I need to do. But this is not an ideal world, isn't it?

In the last few days that I have been reflecting, I realized and finally accepted how I should exhibit more patience in discernment. FAITH = PATIENCE, and vice versa. In the beginning, I thought I was ready... as in super ready for anything that comes my way when I decided to finally give this thing a go. I can still remember that time, when all things, signs and circumstances were pointing to just one direction --- to answer the Lord's call to become His full-time worker. But then, if there's one thing I've learned from this experience, it is not how accurate you interpret the signs that are being revealed to you, but how strong and determined your heart is to do what you really want to do. I should just speak and ask, I should also learn to listen to His voice. I should learn to fully submit myself to His will, learn to fully let go and accept this huge challenge that will be thrown at me once I make up my mind to really do this.

Patience. That's what the Lord is trying to tell me. That's what I have been struggling with for the last five or so years. I am an impatient person, in all aspects. I always want an immediate answer. I noticed that there were times I am not grateful with what I have and that is a big NO-NO.

In my reflection this morning, I have come to realize that the Lord wants me to experience full joy in what I have now. He wants me to be grateful every day no matter how small the amount of money in my pocket is, how heavy the traffic in EDSA (which is by the way my everyday enemy when I go to work) is, how stressful and sometimes unbelievable my students are at work, how tired and exhausted I am after a day's work, and so on and so forth. I've got an endless list of things that is and will break my heart but despite all of these, the Lord wants me to still stick with Him, trust His plan, and continue running the race.

I may not be a full-time worker but I know that I am now doing God's work and I am happy that He has chosen me to further bring glory to Him. In my heart, I know that time will come when I don't feel any worries anymore... that I will truly become FEARLESS... and I can truly say I am ready to live and die for Him.

So friend, if you have a lot of unanswered prayers right now, don't lose hope. Be faithful to your prayer, just how the Lord has been faithful to us all throughout this life. Listen to His voice, pray for an open and understanding mind, for a calm heart, so that He can lead you to His will. :-)

This verse might be very helpful in your reflection for today:

"2 Moses said to the people: “Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test you by affliction and find out whether or not it was your intention to keep his commandments. 3 He therefore let you be afflicted with hunger, and then fed you with manna, a food unknown to you and your fathers, in order to show you that not by bread alone does one live, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of the Lord. 14 “Do not forget the Lord, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that place of slavery; 15 who guided you through the vast and terrible desert with its saraph serpents and scorpions, its parched and waterless ground; who brought forth water for you from the flinty rock 16 and fed you in the desert with manna, a food unknown to your fathers.”

- Deuteronomy 8:2-3, 14-16

 

AFTER THE STORM.

Day 1.

I am discerning to be a mission volunteer for Singles for Christ somewhere in Central Luzon. I know, it's never going to be easy. As of this writing, I am still struggling with how I can explain to my parents my desire to serve the community full-time. I am still struggling to find the courage to let go of my worries and fears. I am still struggling to face the difficulties that this decision may entail. Full of worries. Full of doubts. Full of questions. Amidst the sea of confusion and questions marks, one thing remains the same: my desire to use my talents and skills to further bring glory to Your name... and to let other people experience the joy of having Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior into their lives.

My best friend told me that maybe I should find time to go soul-searching. I wanted to do that. Actually, I badly need it. I feel that I just need one weekend get-away in order to find myself again. To really examine my heart closely and to assure that I still have this goal. To really assure myself that I need to be fearless and this road that I am about to take...I need to empty my heart with all those hindrances, see what really lies there and allow the Spirit to fill it to the brim again.

It is no easy feat. The road will become tougher, rougher, harder. But I still keep on holding to my faith that beyond the cloud of uncertainties, His light will appear and I will feel the warmth of His embrace.

As I write this reflection, I am also listening to Leeland's Beautiful Lord. Here is the link to the video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs9NXNLCs-M

"Yes, I know what plans I have in mind for you, Yahweh declares, plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.When you call to me and come and pray to me, I shall listen to you.When you search for me, you will find me; when you search wholeheartedly for me, I shall let you find me..." ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13

Me, Myself and I

Okay, first time blogger here. For the longest time, I have been thinking of creating a blogsite of my own where I can freely express the thoughts that are swimming constantly and ever actively in my relentlessly-thinking mind.

What I have written in my introduction is not a lie. As of this moment, I am walking a long dark road to uncertainty. I don't know how I got here, but perhaps the broken road started back in college where I consider myself as a rebel, a revolutionist of some sort, a girl who would go after what she wants even if it means giving up the things she grew up believing in. I was indeed the master of my ship, the captain of my soul.I drank a lot, and I drank more. I smoked. I hang out until the wee hours of the day. I have almost chosen the path leading to a life of temporary ecstasy simply because I thought I was soooo in-love that I was willing to give up everything just for this person. I was so willing to cross the boundary between the good life and the ecstatic, YOLO-type of life. Luckily, and probably with a little intervention from above, I didn't cross that line. I remained where I was, though I know I badly wanted to be on the other side. I didn't understand how I ended up standing very still. I was kind of confused. And the confusion actually lasted for five years.

This was the time I really acknowledged the Lord's presence in my life. For other friends who have known me for a long time, I can see the reaction on their faces when they read this blog. They will think, "What a hypocrite!" HAHAHA. I understand friends. 5 years ago, I was not brave enough to profess my faith. I started serving in the community of Couples for Christ as a Youth for Christ. 5 years earlier (so that's ten years ago), I completed the summer youth camp held in my hometown. I was really happy at that time! But then, I was only a YFC when I attend prayer meetings, general assemblies and regional conferences. Outside these activities, I was a typical teenager, a rebel. Smoking, drinking, partying, lying to parents. Name it. Don't worry, I didn't reach the point where I tried drugs. I may be dauntless when I was younger but never did I think of trying that. Promise.

Then, the time came when I need to move one level higher in my service. I attended SFC's Christian Life Program (CLP) in our hometown. I did so not because I yearned to get to know Him more, but because I was forced by my elders in the community that I have to get out of the YFC system and learn to embrace a higher calling. I didn't feel it was higher calling for me. I attended all 12 sessions, finished with a perfect attendance, received a music book and a bible as a reward for completing all 12 sessions and ... life went on.

Now, I'm on my 4th year in serving the community of SFC. 4 years, friends. Did I experience renewal? Did this journey change me? Did it affect the way I think, did it remold my principles in life? Did I really experienced change? Well, the first three years were not so good. I was still hurt, I was still bitter, I couldn't forgive those people who have deeply hurt me. I was serving because I know I was good with what I do --- music. No, not good. I was excellent. I was the best you can get in our province. I know that they are going to tap me to lead because I am a leader material. The first three years in service, I was serving not because I want Him to be known... it's because I want ME to be known. I was selfish, arrogant, hypocrite. I was still living the same life I had ever since college. No, the community didn't seem to change me... until November of last year where I realize I was tired of leading the same life. The same sinful life.

Nothing drastic happened. No one died, no one got killed, no one got sick. It was just a realization one sunny morning while my friends and I were preparing to leave the resort where we stayed overnight for an outing. A realization that I don't want to live a double-life anymore. I wanted to be free from this bondage. I wanted to be a real Christian. And so the grueling process of quitting smoking started. It was difficult at first, but I am proud to say after 7 months, I am totally smoke free! I don't drink heavily now, only occasionally and only one bottle of beer or one shot of hard liquor. I got tired of going home very drunk and stinky. I let go of a life that I was once trapped in... and I let myself be found by God's grace and loving embrace. 

This year, my 4th year in the community, I experienced change and renewal. My heart experienced true joy through serving Him in various activities. I felt more spiritually connected with the people in the community who are serving with me. I have stood witness to His love and majesty and I know miracles do happen. I strengthen my prayer time and I call upon Him every time I have a chance. For the longest time I thought I was searching for Him and found Him... but then I realized, it was me whom He has searched and finally found.

Now, you might be thinking why I am in a dark place now. Well, it's more of an exaggeration really. HAHA. I'm actually in the process of discerning to become a Mission Volunteer for Singles for Christ. I've been thinking about this for the longest time and yet, I still can't figure out His answer to my questions. I told my parents about it and I thought they are going to support me, but then my dad just told me yesterday that he doesn't agree with the plan. It left me heartbroken. I thought they understood but then again, they didn't. And now, those ugly ghosts of pasts are starting to resurface in my mind again. I'm beginning to doubt myself. I'm starting to question my worthiness. Perhaps I'm not cut for this life? Perhaps I'm just forcing myself to do this. Perhaps I should just focus on my life rather than spending all my time and energy serving this community... Perhaps.. perhaps...

So if you are reading this, maybe you can shed some light to me. Maybe you can pray for me, that I may be able to hear what He is saying... that I may be able to understand His ways... that I may be able to accept His will for me. If you are also taking this long and winding road, pray with me... that we can be like the sturdy fire tree... even though the fire tree is standing alone, it is standing proud and strong.